So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
