Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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