we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
