The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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