she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
