I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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