you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
