I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
