I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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