This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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