then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
if i can run in heels then i can drive
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
