Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
