I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
