Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
