I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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