Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
