On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize