If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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