something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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