Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We left the knife in your bed.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
