first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Text me some of your sweat
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
