he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
