my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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