i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
