she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize