i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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