Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
