no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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