She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize