i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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