I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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