Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I am available for nakedness
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
