Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
