1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
