You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize