They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
His nipple licking is glorious
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