those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
