Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
