my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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