I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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