A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
