dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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