If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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