dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
