if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
