My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
