Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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