i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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