Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
COCAINE IS GR8
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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