Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
