when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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