Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
did you just send me my own nude
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
