I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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