I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
