I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
