Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
