wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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