Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
