my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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