At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
