Already got asked if we're dating
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
