I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
