On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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