Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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